Our lives, or businesses, or relationships succeed or fail gradually and then suddenly, one conversation at a time. And the conversation is the relationship. All conversations are with myself, and sometimes they involve others.
[Personal notes are in square brackets to indicate they are my own thoughts, not from the book.]
Seven “fierce principles”:
- Master the courage to interrogate reality
- Come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it real
- Be here, prepared to be nowhere else
- Tackle your toughest challenge today
- Obey your instincts
- Take responsibility for your emotional wake
- Let silence do the heavy lifting
The purposes of fierce conversations:
To interrogate reality
To provoke learning
To tackle tough challenges
To enrich relationships
- Master the courage to interrogate reality. Have conversations where we share our truths, since we all see and experience our work or relationship uniquely. (“Beach ball conversation”: each of us is on a different coloured striped of the ball and hence we have our truths to share.)
Most people want to hear the truth even if it’s hard. People want (at least) one person who will be honest with them and to be honest with one person.
What issues are we avoiding? What are we pretending not to know? Bravely call a meeting about the real issue or a high stakes decision.
Use an issue preparation form to clarify for yourself and share it with the people with whom you want to talk.
Don’t say “but” – replace it with “and”. “I know you want more time to work on this project and the deadline is looming.”
Instead of saying, “I need to talk to you about….”, say “I want to talk with you about….”
“What is the most important thing we should be talking about today?” This is a question to use in meetings, in one-to-ones, and with family and friends. [I also want to ask this to God in prayer.]
“Mineral rights” conversation: digging deep in a coaching conversation:
- Identify the issue
“What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about today?” - Clarify the issue
“What is going on?”
“How long has it been going on?”
Paraphrase-“Am I understanding you correctly that you think _?” - Determine current impact
“How is this issue currently impacting you?”
“Others?”
“What other results is this situation producing?”
“What else?”
“When you think of those results, what do you feel?” - Determine future implications
“If nothing changes, what is at stake for you”
“The company?” “Others?” “What else?”
“When you consider the possible outcomes, what do you feel?” - Examine personal contribution to the issue
“How have you contributed to the issue?”
“What part of the issue has your fingerprints on it?”
Example: “I could have talked to you sooner.” - Describe the ideal outcome
“When this issue is resolved, what difference will it make?”
“What results will you enjoy? Others? The company?”
“When you contemplate these results, what do you feel?” - Commit to action
“What is the most potent step you could take?”
“When will you take it?”
“What is going to try to get in your way?”
“When can I follow up with you?”
What is the “official truth” in my company, the projected idea of what is happening, versus the “ground truth”, the truth of what we really see on the ground, nearer the action?
What are my personal official truths and ground truths? Have fierce conversations with myself.
Dealing with an issue:
Name the issue. “I would like to talk with you about …”
Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior or situation you want to change. “For example, …”
Describe your emotions around this issue. “I feel …”
Clarify why this is important — what is at stake to gain or lose for you, others, the team, the company. “What’s at stake is …”
Identify your contribution(s) to this issue. “I have contributed to the issue by … and for that, I apologise.”
Indicate your wish to resolve the issue. “I would like to resolve the issue of …”
Invite your partner to respond. “Tell me what you think.”
Then listen.
2. Come out from behind yourself into the conversations and make it real. Be transparent, honest, and vulnerable.
“Weak leaders want agreement. Strong leaders want the truth.” What are our team’s undiscussables? Time to discuss them honestly.
Our concurrent jobs are to address work growth and development while also discovering our own personal awareness and growth. We should work on our future-forward vision, our personal values, and so on. Am I on the right path? Where am I going? Why am I going there? Who is going with me? How will I get there?
3. Be here, prepared to be nowhere else. Humans long for belonging, being safely known, valued, and understood. [God gives us this and we can give this to each other.]
A group coaching model that Scott used with sixteen CEOs, an ongoing program with two types of sessions: monthly days together and monthly two hour individual one-to-ones with her. At the day-long meetings, they had a morning or learning (for examples, a speaker) and then an afternoon of group sharing and problems solving for and with each other. In the two-hour individual sessions, she coached them.
“What is currently impossible, that if it were made possible, would make the biggest difference?”
“What topic are you hoping I won’t bring up?”
“What part of your responsibilities are you avoiding right now?”
“Who are your strongest and weakest performers? What are you plans for them?”
Questions are more effective than answer in provoking learning.
4. Tackle your toughest challenge today. Burnout happens when we try to solve the same challenge over and over.
You get what you tolerate. Focus on attitudes that lead to success.
Gallup’s Q12 employee engagement survey. Use these as prompts for discussion at employee reviews. Ask people to come prepared to talk about two or more.
I believe I am paid to…. To help achieve my goals, I measure progress by….
The things that distract me or get in the way of meeting the responsibilities are….
In the last six months, I’ve felt conflicted about priorities when….
The parts of my current role that energise me are….
I feel my job is important when…. I add value to our team and customers by….
The best recognition I ever received was… It was the best because….
Describe what you see and invite sharing of truths about it. “I want to understand what is happening from your perspective.” “Please say more about this. I see it quite differently so I’d like to understand your thinking.”
As a leader, one job is to let people know what they are doing well and consistently reinforce those positive behaviours, which builds emotional capital.
Sometimes when we tell ourselves that we are softening a message for the sake of the other person, really we are trying to avoid feeling uncomfortable ourselves.
Asking for feedback is good, but asking and then not acting on it sends a dangerous message.
5. Obey your Instincts. Listen carefully and share your intuition, without emotional load. “While you were speaking I had a thought I’d like to check out with you.”
My daily routine should include quiet time to consult my own instinct. [Build this into my Bible and prayer time. “Is there a message for me?”]
Psychoneuroimmunology: Amazingly, the strength of our immune system has more to do with the degree of integrity with which we live our lives than with exercise and diet.
Living in alignment with our values is helpful for the health of individuals and organisations. People want to be connected with a clear mission and vision that have substance, and clarity about how we operate as a group.
6. Take responsibility for your emotional wake. For a leader, there are no trivial comments. Think about how our conversations will affect others and what legacy they will leave.
Use “and” instead of “but”: “I value you and I am angry at you.”
Show appreciation specifically and often. Read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and give love in the ways that will impact others.
Social media allows us to be seen, but people really want to be understood.
Group of CEOs at this monthly meeting: share the two most significant events in the last month: one personal, one professional.
Find ways to communicate that don’t involve emotional load. Avoid blaming, labelling, sarcasm, threatening, referring to old hurts, and so on. What do we want to outcome of the conversation to be? Speak with that in mind.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about” becomes “I have a different perspective.”
7. Let silence do the heavy lifting. The purpose of silence is to listen fully and really understand what the other person is saying. Slow the conversation down long enough so we can have a vulnerable exchange.
We need to really understand people before offering solutions or ideas.
We need “spaciousness” in our conversations. “I’d like a moment to reflect on what you’ve said.” “I believe this is an important topic. Let’s slow down a bit so we can digest what we’re saying and consider where we need to go from here.”
Silence is powerful for ourselves as well: time to think and reflect, where am I going? We need time to have insights. Be still.
In a group, silence allows those who usually talk more to listen more. And it allows those who usually talk less to have a chance to speak.
Books mentioned: Annie Dillard, Anne Lamott, Louise Penny’s stories about Inspector Gamache [a leader who is not afraid to admit mistakes and show his team that he values them and their work – very inspiring]
We must answer the big questions in our lives and our organisation. What is real? What is honest? What is quality? What has value?